An end of year reflection on media and entertainment that impacted me.
Table of Contents
This year has been one of transformation. My perspective on identity, creativity, filmmaking and representation in the media has changed. I have also gone through various hardships and challenges that have ultimately re-shaped my outlook on life. I won't bore you with all the details here. If you've been following me on Instagram, you already know the gist of it. Instead, I invite you to read on and join me as I reflect on the stories and entertainment that impacted me most this year.
January - May
My year began on a somewhat melancholy note. 2021 was particularly tough for my family and the passing of my grandmother in December of that year only made matters worse. Being a college student in another country, I was unable to fly home for the funeral. I felt like a horrible, absent son who had abandoned his family. But there was nothing I could do. I remember reading a lot-- and I really mean A LOT-- of Webtoons during this period.
The ones I recall reading most were, Star Children, CRUSH3D!! and Heartstopper. For a while, they were simple and so they made it easy for me to temporarily forget about the pain. Unfortunately as I continued reading, they started to impact me on a deeper emotional level. When you're my age and almost all of your closest friends are in a romantic relationship, you start to feel a little left out.
I envied the characters in those webcomics, with their perfect relationships. The way they understood and communicated with each other filled me with desire. And who can blame me? Don't we all long to be understood? Needless to say, reading romance webcomics, can result in fantasizing about your own romantic life. All of this came to a head when I watched Netflix's live-action adaptation of Heartstopper.
I've written a whole blog post on how it impacted me, which you can read by clicking on this link. It truly was a masterpiece of a show. But like many others who watched it, I couldn't help but feel like it could never happen in real life. Two boys finding love despite the odds? Yeah, right. A YouTuber whose name and channel I've sadly since forgotten once said something along the lines of, " the world hates gay people". They were right. I can't think of a single country where queer people can live in perfect harmony with everyone else without ever having to face discrimination.
June - August
This period was one of discovery, but also nihilism. I'll start with the discovery part.
I was at a point in my life where I was looking for some... romantic action. I had just finished my first year of University and for the first time in my life I felt confident and secure in my sexuality. I'll have to go into detail in a later post, but just know that for a long time I was in the closet questioning who I was. The summer of 2022 was the first time in my life that I finally felt free from all the confusion and inner turmoil I put myself through for years.
I remember after arriving back home in Uganda for the summer holiday, I was still syphoning off my suitemate's Netflix account. I watched Call Me By Your Name for the first time and instantly understood why it became a cultural phenomenon at least within the LGBTQ+ community.
I also watched Cobalt Blue, an Indian drama based on the novel of the same name in which two siblings fall for the same guy. It was one hell of a ride. I knew queer relationships could be just as messy if not more so than straight relationships, but I was not ready for that.
I also remember watching season 1 of Young Royals and becoming enthralled in the lives of Prince Wilhelm and Simon. I've always wanted to enjoy a 'Cinderella story' but in the context of a queer relationship and Young Royals fit the bill perfectly. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better show in 2022.
All of the media above fed into my growing curiosity and I decided to get onto a dating app. You might be wondering what it's like to be on a gay dating app in one of the most homophobic countries in the world. Let me tell you, the experience is... something else. In the end I didn't necessarily meet my prince charming, but I did make at least one meaningful connection that I'll never forget.
Unfortunately even while living my 'summer fling' fantasy, being back home came with its challenges. It was around this time I started this blog only to shut it down after posting just 5 posts. I received some negative feedback that made me want to dig a hole in the ground that I could vanish into and never be seen again. I'm not entirely sure what I expected. I just wanted to spread some positivity so when I got hit with that feedback, I didn't really know how to cope.
This is where nihilism comes into the conversation.
The weeks following my decision to shut down my blog were some of the hardest I've lived through, emotionally speaking. Those who've been around since day one, know that storytelling is my passion. This blog was supposed to be an expression of that. Not being able to do that freely created a void in me. It started as a very small irritant in the back of my mind, but by the end of September, it had grown into a fully sized black hole. But more on that later.
Everything, Everywhere All At Once was one of my many comforts during this period. The way the film deals with themes of identity and finding true meaning and satisfaction in life helped me to better understand my situation. Nothing in this bizarre existence ever makes sense most of the time. And all the religions, explanations, distractions or half-truths we come up with don't really matter in the grand scheme of everything.
We are all going to die.
That's that. End of the story. But that's not a bad thing. It reminds us that we don't have much control over what reality we find ourselves in, but we do control our choices and actions. So we might as well choose to be kind, especially when we don't know what's going on.
September - December
Beyoncé's Renaissance came at the perfect time. Even when dealing with intense feelings of loneliness, this album single-handedly managed to wipe all my tears away (albeit temporarily, but still). I've listened to every song in this album about a billion times and each time I do, I can't help but smile. It's the joy she puts into her work to make people smile that really comes through for me.
So many people around the world form different backgrounds rejoiced in unison when this album dropped. I remember bonding with family and friends over how the album made us feel. And I know for those of us who are Black and/or queer-- and especially those who identify as Black women-- this album was a unique experience for us.
Once, as I was walking to work (I was back at university by this point) while listening to the album, I was in the middle of one of those inner monologues insecure people have when they have low self-esteem. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm too dark. I'm too skinny. I'm too short. I'm too gay..."
But then COZY came on.
Within milliseconds I silenced those thoughts and turned them into affirmations. "I am who I am. And guess what? I like it that way." Affirmations like this are powerful methods for promoting self-love. But as you know, saying something is not the same as acting on it.
You remember that void from earlier? Well, it had been growing in the back of my mind feeding off my joy and peace for the past few months. I had resumed posting on this blog, but I still felt a hanging weight around my heart-- the kind you feel when you know something isn't right.
External pressures like my increasing burnout from work and disinterest in school also contributed to the void. Before I knew it, I was spiraling. Although on the outside you wouldn't have been able to notice. My grades were superb and I was getting complimented for being diligent and competent at work.
Then one Saturday morning in early October, I woke up, walked into my bathroom and proceeded to cry. I put on some gospel music, thinking it would be enough to distract me from the emotions, but it only made matters worse. I spent the next 40 minutes crying alone in my shower. And the worst part is, I had no idea where it was coming from. The day before had been fine. Sure, I went to bed a little exhausted, but other than that I was okay... or at least that's what I thought.
Well as it turns out, that was the day my emotions, which I had been suppressing and avoiding since the end of 2021, came back to stab me in the back. I realized after everything I had been through, I hadn't taken the time to properly deal with how I felt about all of it. Every time I tried, I would change my mind because I didn't want to dwell on what was hurting me. I became so detached from myself that I would rather spend hours scrolling through Instagram just to turn my brain off instead of facing what was hurting me head on.
Demi Lovato's HOLY FVCK album helped me through this period. Specifically the songs HAPPY ENDING and FEED helped me understand that sometimes it's okay to dwell on what makes you upset. I used to think that I needed to be happy most of the time. A dreary soul sucks joy out of the room and I was determined not to be that soul. One of my closest friends challenged me on this and told me that it was okay not to be happy all of the time.
This was difficult for me to comprehend because I consider myself an optimist. But as my world continued burning up into flames, I became more open towards thoughts of sadness. They were strangely comforting because they felt real. No use in pretending you're okay when you can embrace how you truly feel. Besides, too much of one thing cannot be healthy. Those who are always happy even when they really have no reason to be are surely psychopaths. In all seriousness, giving myself room to process my sadness gave me the strength I needed to pick myself up.
By this point in the year, I felt my love for storytelling slipping away because I had let the void consume my passion for it. I was telling myself that I wanted nothing to do with the film courses I was taking-- sabotaging myself because it meant that I could temporarily avoid failure. You can't fail if you never try, right?
Eventually I realized that this way of thinking was doing me more harm than good. So I decided to take a hiatus from film-related projects (which included creating content for SENTIENT). It was not easy coming to that conclusion, but it might've been the best decision I've made in 2022. While on my hiatus, I watched Black Panther: Wakanda Forever in theatres and it reignited my love for stories. It reminded me why I wanted to study film in the first place. The first Black Panther film was a significant cultural event when it was released in early 2018. We are still seeing its effects on Africans and the African diaspora to this day with Afrofuturism being a popular theme in many Afro-centric projects, works and conversations.
I had high expectations for the sequel and I was not disappointed. Chadwick Boseman's absence was truly felt, but the movie was a very much needed tribute to the legendary actor and an uplifting expression of grief. Letitia Wright's Shuri loses a lot in this movie. But with the support of her people and the memory of her departed loved ones, she is able to rise above it all and take her place as the next Black Panther.
I too have risen up. I am writing again. And I am not going anywhere. Sentient forever.
Final Thoughts
2022 was an emotional experiment that left me caught in a web of second-guessing who I've become. Through it all I learned that you don't have to be happy all the time. Life shouldn't be lived forcing yourself to have a good time. You either do or you don't and most of the time you don't. But that doesn't mean that you can't allow yourself to grow in the midst of all the chaos. Be strong. Be kind. Be you. Just be.
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My Top Movies of 2022
Honorable mentions:
Weathering With You (2019)
Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Turning Red (2022)
The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind (2019)
Note to self: Watch more African films next year...
My Top TV Shows of 2022
Honorable Mentions:
S1 The Sandman (2022- present)
Story of the Yanxi Palace (2018)
The Amazing World of Gumball (2011 - 2019)
Arcane: League of Legends (2021- present)
The Good Place (2016-2020)
Note to reader: I am well aware She-Ra and the Princesses of Power ended a few years ago, but I only watched it for the first time this year and it was *chef's kiss*. Definitely one of the best shows I've seen this year.
My Top Poetry Collections of 2022
Note to reader: I love poetry. I write poetry. I breathe poetry. I sleep poetry. I think we need to celebrate poetry more.
Note to self: Read more poetry!!!
My Top Music Albums of 2022
Honorable Mentions:
Special (Lizzo, 2022)
Broken Hearts Club (Syd, 2022)
TAYA (Taya, 2022)
Hadestown (Hadestown Original Broadway Cast 2019)
Midnight Train (Sauti Sol, 2020)
Thanks for reading! What were your top media/entertainment in 2022? Type them in the comments below. If you enjoyed this blogpost, please consider subscribing. I have a lot more content coming in 2023. Wishing you all the best this year!
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