Talking about Joy Oladokun's in defense of my own happiness (the beginnings) album.
On January 1st, 2023 (Sunday) I woke up at 8AM to do my laundry. At my apartment complex, the laundry room is always busier during the afternoon hours, when I usually decide to do my laundry. Seeing as most of the other tenants are also university students, I knew none of them would be awake that early on New Years. Hungover young adults = empty laundry room.
So I leaped out of bed and got ready for the day. With laundry hamper in hand, earphones plugged in to my phone and a snug hoodie to keep me warm I left for the laundry room. The grey sky, coupled with the falling rain set the scene and Joy Oladokun's in defense of my own happiness (the beginnings) was the soundtrack.
Having recently discovered Joy through Jordy's single "i get high" I knew I had to listen to more of her.
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After all the New Year festivities, the first few days always feel hazy, at least to me. I think it's because I have a hard time differentiating between the feeling of uneasiness in my stomach and the fear that everything still feels the same. We obsess over the 'new' in New Years. But we sometimes forget that the Earth endlessly spins on its axis. The first of any year is the same as any other day. Nothing's fundamentally changed. I'm still the same person I was yesterday. And yet, I feel uneasy because I perceive the first of January as a new slate. A new chapter.
***
As I loaded my clothes into the washing machine, "smoke" played in the background. Followed by "sunday" and then "bad blood". By the time cycle ended, I was in the midst of a melancholic meditation of identity and faith. And as I loaded my damp clothes into the dryer, I started to pray a prayer of peace which I did not yet have the words for. Have you ever started to pray only to realize you don't yet have the words necessary to communicate what's on your heart?
Fortunately God knows our hearts even before we do.
After listening to the album in full, I felt the Spirit of God. I haven't felt him like that in several months. The last time I went to church was in 2020. The last bible study I've attended was in 2021. But I always say that God is a constant. He lives in me.
For a long time, I thought that meant that there was no room for the rest of me. That my ugly, broken branches had no room on the sacred grapevine of his mercy. But he is faithful. And he sees all of me. He loves all of me-- and that includes the parts I condemned and concealed from myself.
I think in defense of my own happiness (the beginnings) resonated with me because it articulates what I've been experiencing these past few years-- that there is an intersection between our identities and that these identities can exist simultaneously. Inconsistent, but resilient. That's what it means to be human.
Sometimes it helps me to think that we are all walking contradictions.
It helped me embraced all that I am. A Black, African, Gay Child of God. Individually they make sense. Collectively they make up the individual that I have become and I wouldn't change a thing.
On the 5th of January, I couldn't sleep. It was about 2 AM in the morning, and my mind was writhing with anxious thoughts. I won't get into the details now, but in short, I was lamenting at why we always seem to be fighting one another. There is supposed to be beauty in diversity, so then why does it feel like it's the root of all the strife we unleash on each other? It's always puzzled me, but then I guess it makes sense, seeing as we're sometimes taught to fear what we do not know or understand.
There in that moment, laying stiff in my bed, God provided the words for my silent prayer. I began repeating the words over and over in my heart. It went like this:
Peace
Peace on earth
on earth
And when I was finished I re-listened to Joy's album and felt the Spirit of God wash my worries away.
I 100% recommend this album for anyone with a burdened heart in search of meditative restoration. You can listen to it on YouTube for free:
in defense of my own happiness (the beginnings) is also available on Spotify. You can find the version of "unwelcoming" with lyrics there.
You can also find out more about Joy Oladokun by checking out her website. Her story is truly inspiring.
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Very beautiful!