The story of how Beyoncé’s RENAISSANCE helped me discover the self-confidence to love myself.
THIS IS WHAT I WANNA SEE!
Ever since Queen Bey released her seventh studio album RENAISSANCE, my life has never been the same. This album is the energy boost I run to whenever life keeps bullshitting me. The joy, the love, the extravagance-- it’s all vibes and I can’t get enough.
I wanted to talk about the ways this album, the phenomenon that was the Renaissance World Tour, and the tour documentary film Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé impacted my life and inspired my creativity. I wanted to share the story of how I decided to learn more about Ballroom culture and vogue and how that taught me to love myself better.
So let’s get into it!
“You Won’t Break My Soul”
I remember the day Beyoncé released the lead single, “BREAK MY SOUL”, I dropped what I was doing and twerked in front of my bedroom mirror. I loved how catchy it was and by my third listen I already knew all the words.
“You won’t break my soul, and I’m tellin’ everybody!”
I love the “you” in that line because it can apply to anything. I often sing this song to my demons, my insecurities, and my frustrations with the outside world. At the time of its release, I had just launched this blog and I had received some negative feedback that made me want to quit. And I’m no wimp. Trust me, I’m a writer. I’m used to criticism. But this wasn’t criticism. This was coming from someone who meant a lot to me. They were so ashamed of me that they didn't even bother to read any post and their hurtful words made me feel like I’d let them down.
I remember listening to this song daily during that period. Even now I still play it on repeat because it just motivates me to keep going. I picked myself up and I built a new foundation. I reminded myself that I’m not doing this blog for them or for anyone else. This is my passion project. I’m doing this for me because I’m cosy with who I am.
Remembering the QUEENS
“I’m dark brown, dark skin… light skin… beige.,
Fluorescent beige,
Bitch, I’m Black!”
- Ts Madison
Soon after its initial release, RENAISSANCE sparked conversations and debates about the practice of music sampling with people even questioning the authenticity behind Beyoncé’s “swan song” to the LGBTQ+ community. But the girls who get, get it. With RENAISSANCE, Beyoncé was paying homage to the Black and Brown LGBTQ+ icons, such as Honey Dijon, who contributed to the birth of house music and the proliferation of Ballroom culture 20-30 years ago. Check out Vulture's article by Justin Curto detailing all the references, samples and interpolations used in RENAISSANCE for a glimpse at the amount of effort that went into making this album a heartfelt tribute.
After hearing about the controversy surrounding the album, I was inspired to do a little more research and I’m so glad I did because it exposed me to Ballroom culture. I’d heard about it before, but I’d never actually taken the time to immerse myself in it.
One lazy Saturday afternoon, I listened to Switched On Pop's “The ‘Renaissance’ Era” episode where guest host Sam Sanders analyzed the samples used in the album. It was a very informative listen because it stripped back the layers of production and highlighted the intention behind Beyoncé and her team’s creative choices.
Knowing that this album– this entire genre– would not be where it is today if not for the Black and Brown LGBTQ+ artists and icons who were brave enough to express themselves was more than inspirational. Here I was listening to this album that made me feel safe and seen at a time when anti-gay panic was sweeping over the whole country.
From that moment it became apparent that RENAISSANCE was more than just a dance album. For me, it was an archive representative of Ballroom culture. It was Beyoncé’s way of bringing people of ALL backgrounds together to share in something that the Black/Brown LGBTQ+ community in America created.
So with my curiosity piqued, I ventured to learn more about the Ballroom scene and how balls became a safe space for queer people, particularly during the AIDS epidemic in the 70s and 80s. I watched Paris Is Burning and learned about some of the iconic Houses and their founders/mothers/fathers. I was fascinated by how Ballroom legends like Crystal LaBeija and William Ninja, influenced LGBTQ+ youth to dream big and reach for the stars.
Continuing on my deep dive, I watched the award-winning television drama Pose, and I finally understood how Black trans women have always been at the forefront of the LGBTQ+ movement and the fight against discrimination. Characters like Angel, Blanca, and Elektra humanized an array of experiences I knew next to nothing about. More importantly, it inspired me to look inward and dig even deeper.
I picked up Neville Hoad’s book, African Intimacies, and dared to learn more about Africa’s complicated history with homosexuality. I went in looking for answers-- for some form of validation-- but all I had were more questions once I finished reading. The book never took a stance on homosexuality, instead opting to break down Africa's relationship with the language of the homosexuality discourse through select historical and socio-political contexts. In short, it wasn't an easy read, yet it contributed to the fire that was growing in me.
I was angry. Angry at everything– the homophobia, the passing of the anti-gay bill, God…
I was so angry, my body physically hurt.
I would go for hours a day without eating anything. I would lock myself up in my room and contemplate suicide, but then I remembered David Kato, a Ugandan Gay Rights Activist who died fighting for equality.
I remembered Blanca from Pose who endured HIV/AIDS and provided a home for her House Evangelista family. And when I thought I couldn’t stand the pain any longer, I blasted RENAISSANCE on loudspeaker, and for a sliver of time, I felt untethered from my anger and depression. I felt free and I began to learn how to vogue.
Uganda Has a Problem!
To me, voguing is about expression and extension. By extension, I mean taking all the overwhelming emotions inside of me and letting them loose on the dancefloor. I am by no means an expert. I mainly just vogue in my bedroom alone because it’s the only place I know I won’t be judged.
"Release
Repressed
Suppressed
Redirect all that anger to me
Give it to me!"
- Beyoncé, “BREAK MY SOUL- The QUEENS Remix”
Ugandan society, at least in the city of Kampala, is a muddled set of performances. Everyone is performing their respective gender roles and at the same time, people are afraid to break the script and improvise. As a man, I can’t risk wearing makeup or nail polish in public. I can’t wear heels in public. I have to be strong and never show any sign of 'weakness'. And if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be able to be intimate with him in public, lest I desire being mobbed or worse.
But when I play “THE QUEENS REMIX” I let go of all that repression and let my body carry me to the rhythm of the music.
Suddenly it doesn’t matter what I can or can’t do. All that matters is how free I feel voguing in my bedroom. Sometimes I’ll put on the Dr. Strange cape I bought myself for Halloween when I was still living in the US and pretend like it’s an elegant gown. I’ll strut around, shoulders relaxed like I’m Uganda’s next top model. And when I’m done with my little Ballroom session, I try to carry that confidence with me wherever I go.
When I’m on a boda (a popular mode of public transport, for all my non-Ugandan readers) travelling to meet up with friends, I’ll put on “The Renaissance Way” playlist I created on Spotify. And in an instant, I’m a superhero from a distant galaxy flying through space-time, not bound by society's rules.
But there was a time I didn’t know the ‘right’ moves to make. And then I watched videos of Beyoncé’s dancers during the Renaissance World Tour voguing and I looked to them for inspiration. The way they moved so freely and full of life...
I wanted to be like them, so I watched as many videos as I could of the tour online which led me down a rabbit hole of ballroom vogue dance-offs and tutorials. One thing that stood out to me about all of it was how each dancer put their own spin on the steps. It encouraged me to do the same and not think too much about ‘looking good’. Vouging requires self-confidence and that’s a lesson I'm still practicing.
You see, I’m somewhat of a quiet, reserved person whenever I leave my house. I don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. But when I feel safe enough to show my true self, I try not to hold back. It is extremely challenging to live your life ‘in the closet’ so to speak. But there are moments when you get to be your true self, even if it only lasts for a little while. For me, getting to dance at intimate family gatherings is one of those moments.
We Ugandans love to dance. It’s in our DNA. Even though some people in my family might not agree with my ‘lifestyle’ (speaking as if I’ve ever come out to them👀 I haven’t😭) I appreciate being able to dance with them and just have a good time.
Before I started voguing, I would internalize toxic statements made about ‘my kind’. They were calling us deviants in the news. Believe me, that kind of dehumanizing rhetoric messes with your psyche if you give them that power over you. Learning about Ballroom culture and vogue helped me see that I am beautiful. And I don’t care if others don’t agree with that. That’s their problem and not mine.
Uganda has a myriad of problems but me and thousands of others like me just existing and choosing to express ourselves the way we want to is not one of them.
A Safe Space
In learning to love myself more, I’ve come to understand that others’ opinions of me are not definitive of who I am as a person. And in understanding this truth, I’ve become very selective with whom I share my true self.
I’m too classy to be touched
I pay them all in dust
I’m stingy with my love
- Beyoncé, “ALIEN SUPERSTAR”
My safe space is within me. It’s not so much a physical place, but a feeling of warmth I feel when I’m accepted and respected. It’s a feeling that comes and goes depending on where I am or who I’m with. It’s the feeling that overwhelmed me while watching Renaissance: A Film by Beyoncé.
I was privileged to go and see the film at the cinema with two good friends. The theatre was electric! I remember everyone singing along and dancing. It was a surreal experience, being there with people who felt the same way about the music that transformed my life. It reminded me why I love stories so much. Sharing that experience with my friends and all these other people… was one of the scarce moments in the past year I genuinely felt so happy to be in my home country.
None of us can relate to Beyoncé’s lavish, extravagant lifestyle, but her story of putting on a show that celebrates Black, queer joy brought all those people in one room together. That’s the power of cinema.
That’s the power of storytelling.
“The Renaissance Way” is the story that I’ve been living since the album dropped. It’s a story of embracing the pain only to let it go. It’s a story about discovering what inspires you and using that inspiration to brave the world. Unfortunately, braving the world is easier said than done and it’s something that continues to feel daunting as a young adult fresh out of teenage-hood.
Still, I’m hopeful that we can make it through if we only choose to love ourselves and share that love.
Lend your soul to intuitions
RENAISSANCE, new revolution
Pick me up even if I fall,
Let love heal us all
-Beyoncé, “ MY HOUSE”
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