Tenacious, determined and quick-witted. These are the qualities I want for myself.
The Unwavering Yingluo
Growing up, most of the people I looked up to were women. As an adult, I find myself gravitating to stories with female leads. Enter Story of Yanxi Palace (2018). This Chinese historical drama takes place during the Qing Dynasty in 18th Century Beijing in the Forbidden City and follows the journey of a lowly palace maid, Wei Yingluo. Despite her misleading delicate exterior, Yingluo is goal-driven and tenacious. For 70 episodes each one hour long, which translates to decades in show time, we see her rise in rank and power all to avenge the death of her murdered sister and to protect her friends.
While watching the show, one can’t help but notice the patriarchal hegemony of the imperial monarch, the Qianlong Emporer. In the Forbidden City, his every word is a decree and no one is free under his rule. Even he is sometimes burdened by his position. This makes for an entertaining dynamic among the women in his harem, who compete for the Emporer’s attention and favour to establish their authority, advance their families’ influence and secure their legacy.
After enduring multiple betrayals and assassination attempts, Yingluo rises to the rank of an imperial concubine. However, unlike many of the women in the harem, she does not come from a politically prominent family. This forces her to get creative in her endeavours to appease the Emperor. As a result, she comes across as wittier than her counterparts, almost as if she’s lived a thousand lives before entering the Forbidden City. She’s unapologetically herself, always speaking her mind even when it could get her into serious trouble.
But she’s also calculated. While this is a trait synonymous with most of the women in the Emperor's harem, Yingluo stands out because she understands how to improvise at a moment's notice when things don't go to plan.
Okay… so what does this have to do with me?
Becoming Like Yingluo...
I recently realized that I’m not happy where I am. I’m content spending my days taking online classes, writing my blog and never leaving my house unless I need to. But this is not where I want to stay. It’s not every day that I am bombarded with feelings of anxiety and anger, but it is consistent enough that it is a problem that I am eager to fix.
To start with, I finally came to understand that I don’t have any business being a part of a culture that does not want me. I see the way queer Ugandans are abused and mistreated in the news. I’ve personally experienced uncomfortable microaggressions, though thankfully nothing life-threatening as of yet. Every day I am reminded of the fact that there are no safe spaces for LGBTQ+ Ugandans. There are a handful, maybe, but even those are at constant risk of being targeted by police and homophobic terrorists. I look around and I constantly feel ‘other’. It’s enough that I don’t feel at home in my own home. If not Uganda, then where?
I used to feel so heartbroken about wanting to leave my home but I now know how an environment can have a significant impact on one's mental state. I hate how anxious I feel about being my true self in public or around others. I want to be vulnerable and open, but I don't feel safe enough to fully let go. I feel like my only option is to find somewhere else where I can be free.
But if I can’t break free from my own proverbial ‘Forbidden City’ then how do I rise the ranks and attain the power I need to protect myself and the ones close to me?
Honestly, I have no clue. Still, I think Yingluo’s characterization has planted the seeds in me to try.
There are 3 things I am currently working on that Yingluo inspired me to do:
My Perspective Needs To Change
My Position Needs To Change
My Space Needs To Change
My Perspective Needs To Change
There’s a moment in Story of Yanxi Palace, multiple actually, where Yingluo experiences a major setback in her journey up the ladder. At one point she is demoted from right-hand attendant of the Empress to a slave, whose responsibilities entail cleaning the waste defecation barrels bare-handed.
At first, Yingluo is devastated because this means she can no longer protect the Empress who is like a big sister to her and whose position was being threatened by a faction of power-hungry concubines. However, after being relocated from the Empress’s palace to the slave quarters, Yingluo eventually takes her new job duties in full stride and works just as hard enough to get recognized by her supervisors. Unfortunately, even despite her incredible work ethic, she is still an outcast among the slaves with no real friends to keep her company. They either envy her for her innovative mind or avoid her because she tends to attract trouble.
This section of the show stuck in my mind because this isn’t something that happens in one episode only to get resolved in the end. Yingluo is demoted to a slave position for several months. It’s not clear precisely how long she was a slave, but it was long enough that she ended up with life-long injuries. Yet through it all Yingluo never let go of her love for her friends.
All of this is to say, that I’m learning that just because things aren’t ideal right now, I have to hold on to those who do accept me as I am. I have to keep working hard to get to a place where I can control my circumstances.
My Position Needs To Change
They always say “With great power, comes great responsibility”. And I’m sure you’ve heard “absolute power corrupts absolutely”. But you know what they don’t tell you? With power comes privilege and privilege comes with security. Call me selfish, but I really do love myself more than anything and anyone else, or at least I try to. If I can’t count on others, then I must count on myself. And to do that, I need more power. I need more agency.
The reason Yingluo officially joins the harem is so that she can save her friend, Mingyu, a former attendant to the Empress they both served. After the Empress's death, Mingyu is sent to work for an imperial concubine who was a rival to the Empress when she was alive. The concubine in question tortures Mingyu to the brink of death so Yingluo concocts a plan to ascend into the ranks of an imperial concubine after which she saves Mingyu by employing her as her attendant.
By becoming an imperial concubine to save Mingyu, Yingluo sacrifices any hope she had of one day leaving the Forbidden City. But she also gains the power she needs to protect herself and her loved ones.
People have flat-out told me that this blog isn’t going to take me where I need to go. Heck, I’ve told myself that several times and still do. But I’m learning to just ignore those voices because they don’t see the big picture. This blog is not about money. It has never been. This is just the beginning of my transformation. I have no idea where I’m going to end up, but I know it’s not going to be here, worried for my life and feeling unfulfilled.
The only power I have is my voice. So trust me when I say I am going to cultivate it and I am going to use it.
My Space Needs To Change
There comes a time when the attendants of the women of the harem in the Forbidden City are allowed to leave after becoming engaged to a respectable suitor. Of course, there are other means of leaving including: escape, which counts as treason; being pardoned or banished by the Emporer; and suicide.
The way I see it, if I stay in Uganda I either assimilate to heteronormative standards and rigid gender expression or I rebel and do whatever the fuck I want. If I want to paint my nails, wear make-up and kiss my future boyfriend in public, then goddammit I will.
But if I have to leave for my sanity and safety, to a country like The Netherlands or South Africa where things are a little better in terms of LGBTQ+ rights, then so be it. The grass might not be greener on the other side, but it’s worth the risk if it means I take my own life in my hands and live the way I deserve– free and boundless.
Conclusion: To Leave or To Stay...?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. As I write this I am laughing to myself because in creating this post I revealed to you all how I am seriously thinking about leaving my country. It might’ve come across as funny, but I want you to understand that this is not how it should be.
We shouldn’t feel like the only way to live a good, full life is to flee from the place we were born. Unfortunately, some people just don’t get it. They think LGBTQ+ Ugandans who leave are opportunistic and selfish. So I decided to perform a little experiment. I googled “mental health services for lgbtq Uganda” and this is the first result I got:
The first search result is an article investigating how anti-gay ‘therapy’ occurs in national health institutions such as Mulago Hospital. I could go into a whole essay detailing how 'conversion therapy' practices are wrong and harmful but I think it’s best if you just read this article for yourself.
My intention in doing this Google search was to show just how little regard is given to LGBTQ+ mental healthcare, let alone healthcare in general. Now take a look at the search result that popped up first when I googled "mental health services for lgbtq uk”:
A whole directory of health resources, contacts and services for all age ranges is provided by the National Health Services site. Make of that what you will. For me, it’s another tally in favour of leaving my country for one that provides resources and safe spaces for marginalized groups. The LGBTQ+ community in the UK still faces a lot of discrimination, but at least they have more access to mental health services that LGBTQ+ people here could only dream of. If you thought the discrimination LGBTQ+ Ugandans faced was merely superficial and political, you’d be seriously mistaken. LGBTQ+ Ugandas face stigmatization and discrimination in the health sector as well, making it difficult for people to get the treatment that they need.
But it’s not all gloom and doom. A few organizations are providing safe spaces for LGBTQ+ persons. Check out the Ark Wellness Hub located in Kampala, for those needing healthcare and treatment. They are an inclusive health clinic so all are welcome, but they emphasize creating a safe space for LGBTQ+ Ugandans. I encourage you to read their About page to see what I mean when I say “safe space”.
Share this post if it impacted you. If you'd like to support me, the best way to do that is to subscribe to my free monthly e-newsletter. Leave a comment down below, if you’ve watched Story of Yanxi Palace, how has the show impacted you? And if you haven't seen it yet, you can watch it for free on YouTube.
YOU DESERVE THE WORLD JAMES